we won't never be as young as we is tonight

So…. Right now I think the most suitable candidates for religion are the idiots

Faithful
Subservient
Unquestioning

why do i refuse to invest my time in The Infallible

why am i so stubborn

i know i need to yet i don’t

i stop halfway

willpower please want please

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdqT3MDAG2w

remember post rock

remember September

i listen to post rock now because i cannot type and listen to words at the same time, in fact i just turned the post rock down because i realize i was not made for multi-tasking

strange really if you read the last part of this prose. how i just said i was not made to do many things at one time..

i listen to post rock (just) now also because the words of another cannot begin to express what i am harbouring

and i am not let the beauty of poetry affect my emotional state

i am typing with two fingers for no apparent reason. i am experiencing momentary depression
i like to call a bout of sadness

Today is significant yet completely insignificant so much so that it makes it so much more

i heard this song just now it went like this

Colours clouds will float on by
But I’ve got only eyes for the blue-grey sky
Come gloomy, call out to me
Say you’ll take me in again
I miss the sore, the melancholy
All i want to feel now is the sting I feel with you

Because your Blue love gave me blue skin
And my ardor’s foreign now
A stranger trying to find my way
out of this bleak town
My feet so sore
The gravel rough
But I’m not going back down underwater

So on I go
Psuedo bold
Find a way to fix my empty
Before I grow old

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzzMgD0nKII&feature=fvst

I want to invest time/energy into the infallible but who is infallible but Him

I find myself less picky today/less critical. I am lowering my standards maybe because of the lack of variety the lack of colour

it is impossible to find a earthly connection even only similar to the infallible

how much more can that standard be lowered before i give up out of sheer disappointment

out of multiple failures

i am asking too much i know

I need humility in my life

it would save me from overestimating myself because i would not estimate myself at all. Goals can and must after all be set in other ways

i am thinking you should care less. Caring less makes you a happier person but it does not work that way as most have come to realize is about less of oneself not less care. yes. reminder: if ever you do come back to read this note that this point has been made as vague as possible so as to not reveal the complexity and vulnerability of the current situation

In summary, save face vs face

My mind is blank but my soul is stoic i thought i had more to type
oh yes

I look at things people have accomplished from Jan-May say the number of books the only literary blogger i almost-follow-consistently has read

and this year i read no more than 2-3 books so many are approached with hope and will but they are still incomplete

Halfway

half always seems like a neutral place to be in

half as in the fence that cuts both sides into half so one can sit on it

half as in the halfway mark then can make you go either way

but half here has a negative connotation

half is an incomplete whole

half is incomplete

half represents like i said lost hope and lack of purpose (i do not say loss of purpose because i don’t think purpose (if it is truly purpose) can be lost, and if it is lost then it would be very difficult, almost unimaginable (actually right now its unimaginable for me) to lose)

I am half of a whole and i am a halfway person.

And right now i read the second half of the above sentence “and i am a halfway person” and i tear

and i wonder how all those halfways never did add up like it should mathematically
it only contributes to the halfway person i am now
never two feet in
neither excellent nor absolutely horrid

relationships not prolonged
books unread
personality inconsistent
thoughts incongruent
mood swings (not the medical symptom but really a fickle mood) okay call it a fickle mood

maybe i should be absolutely horrid
but i don’t think that would make me feel any better/it might be worse

A jack of all trades and a master of none that is an incompletion

then i am reminded but what is left of my conscience and holy spirit that i am incomplete but i am in completion thanks to the grace of God

so average i can’t seem to go to infinity i can’t even go beyond

When I think I want to migrate

I mean actually consider it
- seriously

I think no one and nothing is keeping me here
I think this is depressing
where has my attachment/sentimentality to/for anyone/thing gone
But then I am only thinking up here

But what I am thinking
I now feel

This is not for me
This is not life

Bout of depression must end now

Afraid of the weighing machine

Subtly attracted to the idea of being a hermit
Crave detachment
Want to live in my room with a tv/books/pen/paper/no other form of communication
Get out periodically to visit the kitchen and gym
Okay maybe skype certain people I love
(As I type this I begin to wonder why I bother with such strenuous activity)
So difficult to maintain relationships/people/everyone
I just want like 6 friends
One from each community
I already have them thought out you know
Keypad is maximally messed up and some people (might) actually read this shit
yes,
I got a new follower….. What he/she is following I do not know

Back in the land of the free
I say ‘land of the free’ half ironically
Feels good to sleep without socks
Happy feet are free feet
Had supper at 12 am regretting it now partly because of my newly gained weight and partly because I feel sick
Eyebags are as heavy as full stomach

Why is everyone so temperamental/fickle/unreliable/fallible/not trustworthy/not like You

My willpower is ballzzz
Hello bouts of depression

Scrolling through my contact list thinking
I miss you
I miss you
No not you
You won’t talk to me
You won’t humor me
I miss you
I miss you
And not doing anything about anything

Fat day became fat weekend
I feel sad because stress overwrites willpower and next week I shall return to my fruit and green tea diet and hopefully get back to my normal weight